By Peter Murphy
Many people find it incredibly difficult to speak up for themselves. The very idea of saying “I don’t agree”, or even harder, “it feels uncomfortable for me when you do that”, can be enough to invoke severe anxiety. The problems in speaking up for yourself are often deep-rooted and the reasons for it difficult to understand but with some planning and a little practice, you can get over them and learn to assertive without being aggressive. That should be your aim in speaking up for yourself.
The difficulties in speaking up for yourself can often be traced back to childhood. Usually, we were not encouraged to voice our opinion and certainly not to voice disagreement with something that we were told. That would have been seen as very rude, and so we kept quiet. The trouble with that is that as children, we had our parents or families to speak up for us when we were really being trampled on and abused. As adults, we have to speak up for ourselves rather than rely on our parents. We are often parents ourselves, having to speak up for our children too.
What do you fear?
To learn to speak up for yourself, you need to get over the authority complex that many of us grow up with. You need to remember a few things when it comes to dealing with authority:
1. People do not have authority over you in all things; you are entitled to your own opinion.
2. People in authority have a responsibility to earn that authority and use it well, so that you do not feel ignored or disregarded.
If we have difficulty in speaking up for ourselves with spouses, family members and friends then it is not authority we have a problem with challenging; it is more likely that we fear rejection for our views if they differ from the views of others.
Often, when we are faced with having to challenge someone, we recall a time in childhood when we were ridiculed, reprimanded or ignored for voicing our opinion. At those times we try to protect ourselves using the behaviours we have always used: apologizing for our opinion, withdrawing, getting angry etc. And so the pattern continues.
However, you will be fully aware that this is not a constructive way of speaking up for yourself. In fact, they all leave you feeling worse, and less able to speak up the next time you need to.
So, how do you overcome old patterns and speak up for yourself?
Understand yourself
First, you should learn the way in which you behave when faced with conflict. Be honest with yourself about why you developed these strategies in childhood. That way, you will hopefully come to realize that you have more power as an adult and you can throw off all these old coping mechanisms which trap you into self-destructive patterns.
Practice new behaviours
Having come to a better understanding of your old behaviours, try out some new ways of coping. Role play, either alone in front of a mirror, or with a good and trusted friend, is a really useful way to try out new ways to speak up for yourself. If you do this, you will slowly convince yourself that you don’t look bad in speaking up for yourself and that others will not reject you for it.
Focus on what you want
Forget trying to control the other person. You couldn’t and shouldn’t do this in real life. Instead, think about what you personally need to get out of the situation. Remember you are in a safe environment in the role play, so you can analyze your feelings. That way, you can learn to change your behaviour.
So, in speaking up for yourself effectively, you must look inside yourself and examine why it is that you feel so uncomfortable voicing your opinion. You should assert to yourself that you have the right to voice your opinion; it is just as valid as anyone else’s. Role play some situations that usually make it difficult for you to speak up and use what you learn to develop new, more confident ways to speak up for yourself, without trying to manipulate others, but clearly stating what you want.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: communication skills
Article Source: Speaking Up For Yourself
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