By Dail Hill
Speaking as a single woman my sister/friend said to me the other day, “You know I have truly learned to love myself; I have learned to be happy with me!” A little surprised at her statement which at the time seemed to come out of the blue, as she continued on it became abundantly clear (and much to my pleasure I might add) that what she had to say held true for me as well.
She began to speak about our daughters, biological and otherwise, and how they seem to want so much to attach themselves to a man, claim love, and start having babies.
Even at an early age our young women seem to think that they should throw themselves on the sword, their dreams and aspirations kicked to the curb when they come across a male figure, not even necessarily a man, (and that’s an entirely different article) that pays the slightest bit of attention to them.
We talked about how at 40 something we know and are happy with who we are, we know what we want out of life, we know exactly what we will and will not accept, and most of all we have taken the opportunity to fall in love with us. Now don’t get me wrong, we are both very strong, attractive, single black women that by no means plan on being single for all of our remaining days but until “he” arrives, and comes correct, we have learned that before we can love someone else we must love who we are.
On Saturday we had taken ourselves on a date, a double date as a matter of fact. She took herself and I took myself. Full body massages, shopping, lunch and a movie sounds like a great date right? Would I expect that from a date? Absolutely!
I look at women young and old that seems to have settled for less than they really want, or deserve. Some man came along, played a mind game, found a comfortable place where the woman cares for them more than they care for themselves and sadly in some cases for their own children and they rest. What is that about? How dare you put anyone before yourself and the one you brought forth! You get less and give more, and you will always get less and give more because you have not fallen in love with you!
Well I have issues, I’m over weight, I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, I don’t have a good job, a great car, on and on…honey please, don’t you see the men that step to you are in the same boat and some in the boat without a paddle? Yet they come as if they are riding a stallion with a sword and shield in hand only they don’t come to rescue you, they come to be rescued. Why? Because they see it all over you, the lack of love for you.
Who are you? what do you like to do? Have you ever done these things? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are the rules? What are the limits?
Loving and being loved is a wonderful thing, it’s meant to be but I heard someone say that when two half people come together they don’t make a whole, they are just two half people together.
The discovery of the whole woman that I am today didn’t by any means happen overnight. If you recall I said my sister and I are 40 something, but you don’t have to wait until you’re 40 something, you can start today.
Spend time with you; ask yourself some questions and if you can’t answer them that’s where you start to get to know the woman in you.
We all have flaws, some big some small, some of us have both big and small but trust me so do men. They have the same insecurities and questions we do. Never allow someone to convince you that you don’t deserve better, you do! But you have to believe that you do. If you’re fat and you don’t like it, dislike it enough to do something about it.
If you know that your reading is not up to par be smart enough to admit that you need help learning to read better. Every library has, or can direct you to a literacy program to help you learn to read better.
Pretty. Well it starts on the inside; deal with your issues of hurt or shame, pains and problems. Get help with that too if needed, but deal with it girl. As you begin to come to grips with it, you will stop allowing it to sit on your face as a mask of shame or hurt for all to see.
Get yourself up, fix yourself up and like it, NO, love it, love you for who you are and when you do, watch what happens.
Remember that your time is not God’s time and everything that happens is for a reason. It’s never too late to learn.
Women from all walks of life can give and receive words of support, experience and encouragement at Sista’s Common Sense Corner, http://www.sistascommonsensecorner.com.
Article Source: How Can I Love You, If I Don’t Know How to Love Me?
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Amen! And to that i will add:
Some of the most beautiful people i have ever known may not have been much to look at on the outside but their entire being made them absolutely, positively, radiantly BEAUTIFUL!
Dail, I love your article! I am single as well and almost about to turn 30. For years and years I labored under the lie that I had to be married in order to be valuable. I learned this lie from my mom and her family system (in fact, as timing would have it, I just completed a blog post today describing how that happened!!) It was really important for me to figure out WHY I had this negative belief about myself in the first place. I couldn’t just make it go away in the present without digging into my past and how it had all started. I think many many women become victims of that way of thinking because they learned it from other women in their lives who learned it from other women etc. It’s a cycle. I am now well on my way to loving myself, just like you describe so attractively. This is the truth for me- my happiness begins with re-arranging my belief system to include the truths about my real self, my own value apart from the relationships in my life.
It is wonderful to connect with your writing! Thanks Dail.
I hope very much I remember to show my boyfriend what I just found here.